Nation’s Guidance Counsellors Nah Apologise to No Battyboy

KINGSTON – Stating for the record that battyman fi dead, guidance counsellors across the island have reaffirmed their unwillingness to go above and beyond the line of duty by assisting homosexual students with their homosexual needs for psychological support.

The statement comes on the heels of reports that several counsellors have been forced to cope with increasing requests to stomach the batty business from adolescents who claim to have nobody else to turn to.

“Sure, right now they just want us to provide therapy, but it’s a slippery slope,” said corporate area high school counsellor Marcus Williamson, who was adamant that he would not be switching for any basic requirements associated with his job. “I think I speak for guidance counsellors everywhere when I say bad man don’t friend fish.”

When asked who LGBT children should seek solace from instead of government appointed caregivers, Williamson appeared indignant. “Solace sound like another fisherman tactic. Careful what you defending.”

The cohort of counsellors is being backed by the Jamaica Teachers’ Association who sought to remind Jamaicans that as long as buggery remains illegal, “and the gyal them pussy remains fat,” they have all right to turn away students who deviate from the most basic of ethical principles.

For further insurance, the JTA is recommending that students be required to sing and dance to the entirety of Log On before being granted a listening ear, and has also offered therapy sessions to those who sympathised with students before realising the demonic nature of their personal struggles.

Added Williamson, “Because if anyone needs our support right now, it’s them.”