Plot Thickens as Politicians’ Houses Begin Surfacing All Over Island


Following weeks of speculation regarding the origin of the funds politicians used to build their upscale homes, and the resulting experiment with transparency, sources reveal that scores of cleverly hidden multi-million dollar mansions belonging to leaders from both parties have been unearthed and excavated all across the island.

Joint statements have since been released imploring that voters focus on the real issues of the election rather than this childish back and forth about who has more lavish beachside chateaus hidden away from public knowledge.

“We got all the information we need now, thank you Andrew,” said a sincere Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller live onstage to the Opposition Leader, in reference to the information he provided pertaining to his “only” sprawling, palatial estate. “Sorry for even bringing it up in the first place. Debates anyone?”

Mr. Holness returned the sentiment as dream homes continued to pop up all over the country, marking the bi-partisan moment as an occasion to forget all real-estate related animosity before staring into Portia’s eyes and offering a heartfelt apology himself.

“There are more of these mansions than people in some areas,” explained lead investigator Archibald Bailey, who shared that he hurt himself bumping into yet another secret manor while watering his garden this morning.

“They’re everywhere. Some on beaches we didn’t know existed, some painted to not appear in the visible spectrum, and in some instances the dream homes are actually stacked on top of each other to save space.”

When asked if any of the hidden estates could be attributed to members of the National Democratic Movement, Bailey reminded the press that the investigation is no laughing matter.

At press time, the campaign attack ads resumed in full force with Simpson-Miller demanding that Holness reveal his source for those delightful granite counter-tops she’s been meaning to ask him about.