Local Man Successfully Takes Fetish to His Grave

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PORT ANTONIO – Area man Alistair Lawrence, 84, lost his battle with cancer last night, leaving behind a wife, 3 children, and absolutely zero knowledge of that little thing he likes – his number one turn-on in this world.

Inside sources reveal that on his deathbed, Lawrence asked his children to leave the room for a moment, pulled his wife close, and then reportedly said “nevermind.”

“My husband was a proud man, even in death.” said widow Sandy Lawrence, sharing that he wanted to make it clear at his funeral that he wasn’t one of those freaky men that didn’t know how to keep their bedroom fantasies to themselves, not that he had any. “I told him that I know, and he asked why I said ‘I know’ like that. Like I was calling him a pervert or something.”

Friends of the deceased revealed that Lawrence had written a few words to them before his passing as well, with explicit instructions to disseminate upon his death.

“No man in this world could ever pull my file or describe me as ‘luu’,” read the heartfelt note to his friends, family, and the Jamaican public at large. “What could be more sexually fulfilling than that?”

The note was reportedly signed, “Normal, Regular Joe.”

“He was always like that.” continued his wife. “Going on about these erotic adventures that one of his friends’ friends had tried out that turned out to be really fun and not that weird, but then stopping half way and changing the subject. Bless his heart.”

At press time, the reading of Lawrence’s will reportedly took an unexpected turn when his lawyer advised to make room for Alistair’s “friends from the forum” at the funeral, which was reportedly followed by a request for all the female mourners to wear open-toed shoes.

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