Holness Opens Parliament with Technical Definition of ‘Prosperity’

Holness Shaw

Explaining that he would have clarified sooner if it weren’t for the PNP, Prime Minister Andrew Holness opened his Parliamentary address today with the Merriam-Webster 1A web definition of the word prosperity, describing the term as the state of being “auspicious” or “feasible,” which “could mean literally anything.”

“One could say that auspicious – showing or suggesting that future success is likely – accurately describes Jamaica already, if you think about it,” elaborated Holness. “Plus the word prosperity is derived from the latin prosperitus, meaning ‘doing well’. And ‘well’, as we all know, is relative.”

The new government acknowledged that there may have been some misunderstanding on the part of the Jamaican people as the word could have been confused for the more popular definition, “successful in material terms and flourishing financially,” but went on to remind the country that “when you assume you make an ass out of ‘u and me.’”

“All the voters had to do was ask what exactly we meant,” added a visibly perplexed Minister of Finance Audley Shaw, who assured the nation that he didn’t know where we got that crazy, mixed up interpretation of the term from. “We were wondering why everyone was so excited about it. You know if we had a debate that would have cleared it all up right away – let’s talk about that some more.”

At press time, the JLP followed the statements with a press release deconstructing the word “Promise”.

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