Shaw Offers Jamaicans No Strings Attached Tax Deal As Long As Nobody Asks Any Questions


KINGSTON – On a rainy night in an old abandoned warehouse at the time we all agreed, Minister of Finance Audley Shaw emerged from the shadows with two large briefcases filled with the dough for the 1.5 million dollar tax plan stacked in small, unmarked bills.

“I always keep my promises,” said Shaw, spinning the cases around and flipping them open to reveal to the Jamaican people the cold, hard, untraceable cash, before snapping them shut again.

“Here’s the catch – we all walk away happy as long as everyone keeps their damn mouths shut. Capiche? You wanted your $18,000, you got it. And the IMF don’t need to know shit.”       

After looking over his shoulder again and then explaining that the money he promised to give all Jamaican citizens below the income threshold from two months ago “just turned up,” the Finance Minister reportedly made it clear that he didn’t exactly have a lot of time on his hands, so it’s “now or never.”

“You deaf? I said I found the money,” continued the furtive parliamentarian, responding to someone who raised their hand. “Let’s make a deal here ladies. Clock’s ticking.”

At press time, Shaw agreed to leave the rest of the goods in a trashcan by the stalls in Half Way Tree.