Local Man Smashes Previous Record of Number of Responsibilities Avoided

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KINGSTON – Approaching the all time record of number of obligations pushed to the back of your mind until they become impossible to ignore, local procrastinating heavyweight Andre Strahan, 24, wowed spectators with a career best of 237 responsibilities avoided in a single afternoon.  

The breathtaking display of sheer inability to face adulthood started with a hail mary extension on a project he had yet to begin, which gifted him the opportunity to dodge that assignment under the guise of now having the time to focus on more urgent issues instead. The rest, as they say, is history.    

“Let’s not mince words. Andre Strahan is a beast, a true master of his craft,” said resident Stress-Avoidance expert Devon Leslie, marveling at the scope of pressing concerns Andre successfully continues to pretend don’t exist.

“Forget not doing his laundry, this man didn’t set his doctor’s appointment, call his parents like he promised, eat, or respond to any of the scores of emails which he himself flagged as important. The list goes on and on.”

Despite his growing accolades, many doubted Strahan’s ability to pull off this streak after he famously drafted an elaborate to-do list at the start of the school term, complete with prioritized deliverables, colour-coded timelines and alarms for each individual task in case he began to slip into his old ways again – but the peerless Strahan pulled through once again, shattering all our expectations.

“At this rate we’re looking at 3, maybe 4 extra years of Undergraduate alone,” gushed an awe-struck Leslie. “The man is an inspiration.”

Dubbed the semester’s Most Valuable Procrastinator, Strahan has seemingly set his sights on the high water mark set by a mythical figure who, legend has it, delayed his nuptials to his fiance for 6 entire years – after setting the wedding date.

“If Strahan wants his name in the history books, he’s going to have to step up his game way up,” continued Leslie. “Sometime later though, of course.”  

At press time, Strahan was seen giving himself a well earned break from his latest assignment after 8 consecutive minutes of legitimate effort.  

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