GREGORIAN CALENDAR – Reports have confirmed that Monday, long harassed and despised for returning week after week, was found dead in its studio apartment early this morning with a suicide note after a really fun and relaxing weekend for everyone else.
According to the first officer on the scene, the heartbreaking note detailing decades of nonstop abuse was discovered after he tripped over the stacks of hate mail strewn about the apartment, reportedly prompting one final, “Mondays, am I right?”
One close friend of the deceased told UGS that Monday really had nowhere to hide from the constant vitriol hurled at it from children and adults alike, but deserved it anyway since having to wake up on a Monday morning sucks, and is seriously the worst.
“It’s the Sundays that were always really tough,” explained the source, who chose to remain anonymous. “But I guess that’s Tuesday’s problem now.”
“So it’s a four day week now, right? We better not lose a weekend day,” added the source, echoing sentiments pouring in from all across the world. “We still have to go work today or what?”