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Author Archives: UGSstaff

Ominous Shadow Looming Over Rio Olympics Incorporated Into Logo

July 20, 2016by UGSstaff

RIO – A new version of the Olympics logo was unveiled today in an extravagant, breathtaking ceremony, officially adding the looming shadow of fear and uncertainty to the image of the Games so that if […]

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Current Affairs

Melania Trump Gives Rousing Black Lives Matter Speech for Some Reason

July 19, 2016by UGSstaff

UNITED STATES – “Our black brothers and sisters are dying in the streets,” began Melania Trump in a heartfelt, if a little confusing call to action at the Republican National Convention where […]

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Current Affairs

Ash Ketchum Admits He Kind of Grew Out of the Whole Pokémon Thing

July 18, 2016by UGSstaff

PALLET TOWN – Junior securities and bonds analyst Ash Ketchum, 29, revealed today that he’s kind of moved on from that “silly little” pokémon phase he went through as a child with […]

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Culture

Black Survival Tips: 9 Ways to Not Die During Your Next Traffic Stop

July 8, 2016by UGSstaff

Interacting with the police while black, typically referred to as a near death experience, can be dangerous and unpredictable. While we strongly advise against it, here are some tips to […]

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Current Affairs

Universe Just Making it Up As It Goes Along

July 6, 2016by UGSstaff

Stating for the record that it has no idea what it’s doing, the universe today released a statement dispelling the “hilarious” notion that everything in life is unfolding as it […]

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International

Portia Backs Hologram of Herself for Eventual Successor

July 5, 2016by UGSstaff

Putting an end to suggestions that she is unwilling to make room for change, PNP leader Portia Simpson-Miller today officially endorsed a holographic likeness of herself as “the only viable […]

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Current Affairs

Instagram, Snapchat Introduce Summer Body Filters

June 21, 2016by UGSstaff

Time’s up! It’s officially summer and, well, you know how you look. To help you, their users, to cope with not being any visibly closer to that chiselled frame you […]

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Current Affairs, Science and Technology

Attorney General Mourns Tragic Display of Basic Human Decency

June 14, 2016by UGSstaff

Describing the rainbow flag flown at half mast by the US embassy as “the real tragedy,” Attorney General Malahoo Forte has expressed her solidarity with the sections of the Jamaican legal […]

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Current Affairs

BREAKING: Carefully Labelled Container of Food Now on Different Shelf in Fridge

May 16, 2016by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – Investigators were called to the scene late last night at the Thompson’s residence when it was discovered that a painstakingly labelled container of food – which was deliberately […]

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Local

KFC Introduces All-New Bucket of Oil Deal

May 12, 2016by UGSstaff

Offering the limited-time deal as part of a new Oily Oil combo, fast food giant KFC has announced that they will now be providing their valued customers with a range of […]

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Business

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