Whitmore Proposes the Turn-Back-Hands-of-Time-to-1998 Tactic

JAMAICA – Newly re-appointed head coach of the Reggae Boyz, Theodore Whitmore, has revealed his foolproof strategy to get the national football team to a FIFA World Cup again, which sources confirm entails physically returning the side to the only point in history when they were able to qualify for the major tournament.

A player in that famous team himself, Whitmore has decided against the seemingly fruitless endeavour of attempting to qualify for any World Cups that do not take place in the year of 1998.

“Gegenpressing, zonal marking, Einstein’s theory of relativity; it’s all just football when you get down to it,” said Whitmore, before advising his players on what he calls the “tiki-taka’s” of quantum mechanical time matrices. “So we’re just going with the tactic that’s most realistic for us right now.”

Reports confirm that Whitmore has the full support of the Jamaica Football Federation, with president Captain Horace Burrell offering to pay the current squad the same salary he did in 1998 in order to get them “acclimatized to the conditions.”

At press time, the West Indies Cricket Board adopted the groundbreaking strategy and sent the team on an infinite loop between 1975 and 1995.