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Monthly Archives: May 2015

Computer Was Working Fine Before You “Fixed” It, Cry Local Parents

May 29, 2015by UGSstaff

YOUR HOUSE – Moving from genuine gratitude to immense frustration in record time, your parents today openly expressed their desire to go back in time and stop themselves from ever […]

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Local

World Ventures Promotional Banner Suspiciously Prominent At Church These Days

May 28, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – The St. Theresa First Assembly Sunday morning service reportedly felt a collective wave of suspicion last week regarding the subtle yet deliberate movement of Pastor Arnaldo Davies’ lifesize […]

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Local

New Sex Laws Expanded to Cover Any and All Acts of Intimacy, Affection  

May 27, 2015by UGSstaff 1 Comment

In response to recommendations made by the United Nations following their recent review of Jamaica’s human rights record, the Government has announced that the so-called ‘discriminatory’ buggery law will be […]

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Current Affairs

Mickle Depreciates to 0.12 Muckles

May 22, 2015by UGSstaff

In perhaps the clearest sign of the ailing economy since the news that it will now require approximately four four cocoas to fill basket, the Bank of Jamaica has released […]

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Economics

Local Fitness Trainer Honestly Never Noticed Supposed “Male Gym Members”

May 21, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – Responding to the rising number of complaints from the alleged male members of the Zulu Fitness Club, the gym’s management was today forced to break the news to instructor […]

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Local

Mysterious Digicel Logo Appears on Forehead of Infant Prodigy

May 20, 2015by UGSstaff

TRELAWNY – Young Cindy McKenzie, who started walking after 5 months and running after 7, has been touted as the next big thing in Track and Field, but her parents […]

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Current Affairs

Man Haunted by Duppy of Annie Palmer Just Thankful for Shot at Love with Brown Woman

May 20, 2015by UGSstaff

MONTEGO BAY – At the stroke of midnight, when all was still, sources confirm that local physiotherapist Earl Taylor woke up to the shock of his life, and his nightly […]

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Local

Leader of the Opposition Takes Work Home, Formally Objects to Everything Family Says or Does

May 18, 2015by UGSstaff

UPPER ST. ANDREW – Despite repeated requests from his wife and children to leave work at work for once, sources confirm that Opposition Leader Mr. Andrew Holness has continued to […]

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Current Affairs

City in Chaos as Mothers Forget to Say “Be Careful”

May 15, 2015by UGSstaff

The Greater Kingston and St. Andrew area today has descended into mayhem and ruin as a direct result of the collective failure of the city’s mothers to once again remind […]

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Current Affairs

Time Standing Fan Takes to Oscillate Could Mean Difference Between Life and Death for Local Man

May 14, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – With the seconds wearing on in the aftermath of his family’s arrival and subsequent decision to set the living room fan to oscillate, local University graduate Mark Donaldson […]

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Local

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