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Monthly Archives: April 2015

Belief in God Skyrockets in Week Leading Up to Philosophy Exam

April 30, 2015by UGSstaff

Citing the fast approaching Alternatives to Religious Thinking philosophy final, and the need for something to believe in right now, local University undergraduate and former atheist Craig Davidson has, like many, fervently […]

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Local

American Public Rushes to the Aid of Systemically Oppressed CVS Superstore

April 29, 2015by UGSstaff

BALTIMORE, MD – In a remarkable display of national unity and collective support, the American public has today put aside their political differences to show solidarity with a brutally subjugated […]

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International

Terrified Man Hears Own Full Name In Latest Kartel Song

April 28, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – Local IT specialist Auburn Kaling-Pryce was frozen in terror today as he tried to come to grips with definitely hearing his first, middle and double barrel last name identified […]

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Entertainment

Defiant Outgoing NHT Board Insists Tenure was Decade Long Game of Monopoly

April 27, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – In a statement released by the outgoing board of the National Housing Trust today, Jamaican taxpayers have been assured that the recently publicized investment scandals are just a […]

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Current Affairs

General Sense of Hopelessness Targeted for Jamaican Export

April 24, 2015by UGSstaff

MONA – Economists at the University of the West Indies have made a startling new discovery which positions that vague-but-definitely-there feeling of despair as a potential gold mine for the […]

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Economics

Maximum Security Prison to be Built for Nation’s Wagonists

April 23, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller today announced plans to design and develop a state of the art correctional facility to house the country’s recognized bandwagonists. “These people threaten the […]

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Current Affairs

JCF Struggles to Come to Terms with U.S. Police Shootings, Still Not Sure What Big Deal Is

April 22, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – The Jamaica Constabulary Force was left speechless this morning after gathering to view the Walter Scott police shooting video in an effort to determine what all the fuss […]

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Current Affairs

Doomed New Company Tragically Advertises without Jingle

April 21, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – A visibly distraught Anthony Harris, owner of StuffMart, rues the day that he approved the most confusing advertising campaign ever to hit Jamaican airwaves. In a move that […]

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Business

Local Producer Impressed With Number of Gay Things Dancehall Artiste Doesn’t Do

April 20, 2015by UGSstaff 2 Comments

KINGSTON – Famed local producer Kaliber had nothing but good things to say about the heterosexual stylings of rising recording artiste Straight Gunshot after a lengthy studio session in Half Way […]

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Entertainment

Party Patron Didn’t Want to Whine On Anybody Anyway

April 18, 2015by UGSstaff

KINGSTON – After a long night of dancing by himself, party patron Andrew Belnavis wants the world to know that he could have danced with women if he wanted to. […]

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Entertainment

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